Twin Tested Life

I miss the version of me that was focused on self growth.

I miss the version of me that could go to the gym every day and work on herself.

I miss the version of me that had choices in how she spent her day.

I definitely miss the version of me that could be alone without guilt.

After I finally got both babies down for their third nap yesterday, in the middle of a painful migraine, I went into my closet and cried. The babies are very difficult to put down right now. They are no longer the easy to get to sleep babies I bragged about months ago. We are in a growth spurt or sleep regression of sorts, and it is hard.

This stage feels like the hardest one yet, especially during my husband’s workday when I am alone with them. Their naps used to be the time I had to myself. Now it is either an hour of screaming just to get a fifteen minute nap, or I cave and drive them around in the car so they will fall asleep. And that does not really count as time to do anything. It is hard.

I do not regret having these babies. Some days I catch myself wishing I only had one instead of twins, and I hate those thoughts. But I think every twin mom has them from time to time. I love both of my boys with everything I have. I would do anything for them. Change myself in any way for them. Go anywhere for them. I know I will be able to work on myself again one day.

Late at night, after everyone is asleep, including my husband, I find myself wanting to stay up just to soak in the silence. I do not let myself, because if I did, I would not have the energy I need to survive the day alone with my twins.

I do not even listen to old music anymore. I cannot seem to find enjoyment in the things that used to feel like me. I do not recognize myself. But I guess that is motherhood.

I know this is not the end of my transformation. I see strengths in myself now that were not there before. I know I will feel like me again. I know I am still growing and changing, just alongside my babies now.

It is normal to grieve different versions of yourself throughout your life, especially the version of you from before motherhood. Just like it is normal to grieve certain ages of your kids as they grow. Evolving is what humans are meant to do. You just have to learn how to see the growth alongside the grief. To honor who you were, while being grateful for who you are becoming.

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